I think my sleeping tablets are turning me into some form of ogre instead of making me sleep. I end up in some altered state of conciousness and when i wake up from it i think "what the hell happened". I have to tidy the house as cupboards are left lying open, duvets are on the floor, tv's are left on, showers left running. I can barely remember any of it.
Its been a bad night if i have self harmed during these episodes. Most of the time its when i do self harm, i wake up and think "fuck sake not again", and can start trying to put the pieces together of the events of what happened.
Last night however i remember slight flashes of things and thoughts. I do remember sitting on my livingroom floor with all my blades, bandages etc. I dont remember cutting my inner arm but i do remember crying my eyes out at how pathetic i was and how fed up of these abdominal pains i was. I took a kitchen knife and stabbed it right into my abdomen on the left hand side. I dont remember much after that.
When i kinda woke up my arm was sore and had a dressing on it, i thought "not another trip to the hospital", when i went to put my jeans on i noticed the stab wound on my stomach. I was baffled as to why it didnt hurt as it was quite deep.
I got dressed and headed to hospital. They stitched me up and confirmed i hadnt done any damage when i stabbed myself - i was lucky this time. 6 stitches in the abdomen and 14 in the arm, bandaged up and sent on my merry way. Its a good job i have my social worker in 45 minutes because i think im about due a complete breakdown.
I really wish college was finished. Most of the stuff iv to do i can do at home other than my exhibition and the stuff i have to print for a friday morning. If im still in such a state after the exhibition i may ask the lecturer if i can just do the rest at home and hand it in during the last week or so. I cant face people right now and most of all i cant face my bloody class.
Im going to say to my social worker about the sleeping tablets im on and if theres anything else. i was on zopiclone then got put on zolpidem. im just worried now that zolpidem is no longer working and is becoming such a high risk for me. If they have nothing else i fear ill be back to ordering amitriptyline.
Monday, 21 May 2012
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Strange Mood
Iv been in a strange mood lately. Im pretty sure my social worker is convinced its because i never went to college this week. I really couldnt be bothered. All i have left to do is take photos of an exhibition and do an animation drawing (which i may do today) and just tidy up my work a bit and that should be it all finished my NC.
When i try to explain alot of things recently iv just ended up saying "oh i dunno" because well i dunno. My social worker is going to call this weekend as she is aware im not sure how i feel the weekend will go. My mum isnt feeling to good and is low, so is my little brother. We dont have my nephew this weekend so thats another negative. I dont know if i want to be in company or be without it. I bought a copy of Professor Layton - spectres call for my ds. i can play the prof layton games for hours on end because hes a very sexy character indeed with such a gentlemans voice.
Anyway i woke up this morning with my phone ringing. It was the police. The officer was phoning to introduce herself to me. My child abuse case had been handed over to her 5 weeks ago but she was off for 5 weeks and is just getting started on it now. I suppose this is another low for the weekend. Im now going to be sitting here thinking whats she doing and whos she spoken to, whos said what etc. She asked for my brothers numbers which i gave her and told me she would speak to them for a statement and get back to be by tuesday. She also has my abusers brothers number and address as far as i know shes going to speak to him too. This is gonna set off the bomb because after they speak to his brother, im positive his brother will call him and tell him whats going on. I just need to keep positive - im trying.
I went to my brothers for dinner last night. I spoke to his fiancee for hours. I didnt leave until midnight. We had a good chat about stuff while my brother was away to his friends for a few drinks. They have a new kitten and she is sooo adorable. This is the 3rd cat in their house, it makes me want a kitten but im not a huge fan of the scratching of furniture and also the fact i have my dog she would go mental.
This is my brothers gorjusssss kitten
So anyway on that note i think ill try and keep my weekend as positive as possible and not self harm in any way or neglect myself in any shape or form.
When i try to explain alot of things recently iv just ended up saying "oh i dunno" because well i dunno. My social worker is going to call this weekend as she is aware im not sure how i feel the weekend will go. My mum isnt feeling to good and is low, so is my little brother. We dont have my nephew this weekend so thats another negative. I dont know if i want to be in company or be without it. I bought a copy of Professor Layton - spectres call for my ds. i can play the prof layton games for hours on end because hes a very sexy character indeed with such a gentlemans voice.
Anyway i woke up this morning with my phone ringing. It was the police. The officer was phoning to introduce herself to me. My child abuse case had been handed over to her 5 weeks ago but she was off for 5 weeks and is just getting started on it now. I suppose this is another low for the weekend. Im now going to be sitting here thinking whats she doing and whos she spoken to, whos said what etc. She asked for my brothers numbers which i gave her and told me she would speak to them for a statement and get back to be by tuesday. She also has my abusers brothers number and address as far as i know shes going to speak to him too. This is gonna set off the bomb because after they speak to his brother, im positive his brother will call him and tell him whats going on. I just need to keep positive - im trying.
I went to my brothers for dinner last night. I spoke to his fiancee for hours. I didnt leave until midnight. We had a good chat about stuff while my brother was away to his friends for a few drinks. They have a new kitten and she is sooo adorable. This is the 3rd cat in their house, it makes me want a kitten but im not a huge fan of the scratching of furniture and also the fact i have my dog she would go mental.
This is my brothers gorjusssss kitten
So anyway on that note i think ill try and keep my weekend as positive as possible and not self harm in any way or neglect myself in any shape or form.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Getting the garden in order
I was supposed to be at college yesterday and i was very open with my classmates etc and told them the reason i wasnt there was because i had the dentist for a filling but also the reason why i wasnt going in this week was simply because i couldnt be bothered.
Theres a few people in my class that give the lecturers excuses as to why they need to go. They forget they are at college and not school anymore. They can leave when they want, they dont need a reason. When iv done enough work for the day i just pack up and leave. I guess thats the advantage of not having to get a bursary card signed for them to be able to get their money.
Anyway yesterday before i went to the dentist i went shopping and treated myself to a garden bench. Iv been looking for a really good sturdy one for a while. At least now my social worker has somewhere to sit when she comes to my house instead of having to stand around the garden.
The dentist was as expected yesterday - as everyone expects it really, even though she numbed my mouth for the filling when she was drilling in she hit a nerve and i nearly hit the fecking roof. Im actually glad she checked what side of my mouth it was before numbing me because it was on file that it was the left side i told her it was the right side which she confirmed.
I also bought myself some new alloys for the car yesterday. They are pretty sweet and my little brother is going to spray them for me and ill eventually get tyres for them.
I didnt get to sleep until it was daylight this morning at around 5am, i woke around 11. Iv had a shower and hoovered the upstairs, have just put a washing on and im going to hoover the downstairs before going out with mum for compost.
Things are pretty average just now mood wise. Missing one of my mates by not being at college just now. Her class is always good fun to go into and it cheers me up. I may see what shes up to later though! i could do with some company.
Theres a few people in my class that give the lecturers excuses as to why they need to go. They forget they are at college and not school anymore. They can leave when they want, they dont need a reason. When iv done enough work for the day i just pack up and leave. I guess thats the advantage of not having to get a bursary card signed for them to be able to get their money.
Anyway yesterday before i went to the dentist i went shopping and treated myself to a garden bench. Iv been looking for a really good sturdy one for a while. At least now my social worker has somewhere to sit when she comes to my house instead of having to stand around the garden.
The dentist was as expected yesterday - as everyone expects it really, even though she numbed my mouth for the filling when she was drilling in she hit a nerve and i nearly hit the fecking roof. Im actually glad she checked what side of my mouth it was before numbing me because it was on file that it was the left side i told her it was the right side which she confirmed.
I also bought myself some new alloys for the car yesterday. They are pretty sweet and my little brother is going to spray them for me and ill eventually get tyres for them.
I didnt get to sleep until it was daylight this morning at around 5am, i woke around 11. Iv had a shower and hoovered the upstairs, have just put a washing on and im going to hoover the downstairs before going out with mum for compost.
Things are pretty average just now mood wise. Missing one of my mates by not being at college just now. Her class is always good fun to go into and it cheers me up. I may see what shes up to later though! i could do with some company.
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
I done it myself
I had a really good night last night. I went to my friends and we went to the cinema to see dark shadows, we had the whole cinema to ourselves so it was good we could have a little chat about the film as we watched it just like we would in the house. It was a really good film and johnny depp looked incredibly sexy in character as always!
My social worker told me she was going to call last night. Normally she calls between 8 - 9.30 but as i sat in my friends house munching spag bol and watching csi and big bang theory, 9.30 came and went. I didnt get home until gone 11.30pm. My mum called as i drove home asking if i was ok. I told her id be home to pick my dog up around 9ish. She presumed we hadnt made the first showing of the film and just gone to the 2nd one but dad was worried and asked her to call me. I had just got carried away at my friends with getting dinner etc that it was 10.30 before i knew it.
I slept brilliant last night for once. I think because i was kept busy all day i couldnt get so tired and fall asleep on the couch so i was exhausted by the time i got to bed. I have the dentist at 12.40 for a filling and im really not looking forward to it.
Im not going to college this week. I really just cant be bothered with it but i was supposed to have alot of appointments this week so going was to be pointless. I was supposed to have the nurse tomorrow at 12.15 to get my stitches out but i done it myself this morning. There was a scab forming over the top of the stitches so i thought it best to try get the stitches out before i have to disturb scabs and whatever else, plus it was painless. When the nurse takes the stitches out its bloody sore, i may just do it myself in the future.
So anyway todays plan is to get to the dentist in an hour and just see how it goes from there. I may go get some compost and start getting my garden in order as its a lovely day and the suns out. Who said scotlands weather was miserable???
My social worker told me she was going to call last night. Normally she calls between 8 - 9.30 but as i sat in my friends house munching spag bol and watching csi and big bang theory, 9.30 came and went. I didnt get home until gone 11.30pm. My mum called as i drove home asking if i was ok. I told her id be home to pick my dog up around 9ish. She presumed we hadnt made the first showing of the film and just gone to the 2nd one but dad was worried and asked her to call me. I had just got carried away at my friends with getting dinner etc that it was 10.30 before i knew it.
I slept brilliant last night for once. I think because i was kept busy all day i couldnt get so tired and fall asleep on the couch so i was exhausted by the time i got to bed. I have the dentist at 12.40 for a filling and im really not looking forward to it.
Im not going to college this week. I really just cant be bothered with it but i was supposed to have alot of appointments this week so going was to be pointless. I was supposed to have the nurse tomorrow at 12.15 to get my stitches out but i done it myself this morning. There was a scab forming over the top of the stitches so i thought it best to try get the stitches out before i have to disturb scabs and whatever else, plus it was painless. When the nurse takes the stitches out its bloody sore, i may just do it myself in the future.
So anyway todays plan is to get to the dentist in an hour and just see how it goes from there. I may go get some compost and start getting my garden in order as its a lovely day and the suns out. Who said scotlands weather was miserable???
Monday, 14 May 2012
Giving College a Miss
Im contemplating a week off college this week. On wed afternoon i have the dentist so id have to leave first class early and not be able to go back as im getting a filling so ill probably be a little bit sore after it. Plus the class on wed morning im finished. Thurs morning class i really could do with going to but i have the nurse early afternoon to get my stitches removed so yet again im gonna need to leave early. Friday mornings class im finished with so no need for me to go in there.
With the way im feeling just now it might just be the best idea. Im quite low and tired alot. I keep thinking its sunday but nope its monday and i just want to curl in a little ball and forget the world. I have my social worker at 2pm otherwords id be in my pyjammas lying on the couch.
I have no idea what iv done to my back, its still really sore this morning and the amount of tablets im taking for everything is really making me sick. Its preventing me from wanting to eat. By the time iv taken my morning meds im bloated with water and struggle to stop myself from bringing the lot back up. Having to take extra pain killers etc over and above my normal tablets is just not good. I take 8 tablets in the morning and with painkillers, antibiotics, antihistimenes and ibrufen ontop of that were talking 13 tablets in the morning. half of them are huge aswell.
I really want to just stop taking all my tablets. I know after a few days off my antidepressant i get dizzy and quite struggle to deal with life so it may be one of the only ones i stay on.
Im going to see my social worker in 40 minutes and i hope i leave there feeling positive, if i dont ill be back home curled up on the couch hiding from the world and probably cut myself to pieces again. As much as the cuts are an inconvenience when they hurt and make my legs itch theres part of me that just reminds me they are there when im out and about with people. They cant see them but i know they are there. its like having a secret. It shows that even the sanest of people out there could be hiding bad pasts.
My art lecturer told me i must be one of the most level headed people he knows and didnt expect me to be "like that". i dunno wether to take it as a compliment or an insult.
With the way im feeling just now it might just be the best idea. Im quite low and tired alot. I keep thinking its sunday but nope its monday and i just want to curl in a little ball and forget the world. I have my social worker at 2pm otherwords id be in my pyjammas lying on the couch.
I have no idea what iv done to my back, its still really sore this morning and the amount of tablets im taking for everything is really making me sick. Its preventing me from wanting to eat. By the time iv taken my morning meds im bloated with water and struggle to stop myself from bringing the lot back up. Having to take extra pain killers etc over and above my normal tablets is just not good. I take 8 tablets in the morning and with painkillers, antibiotics, antihistimenes and ibrufen ontop of that were talking 13 tablets in the morning. half of them are huge aswell.
I really want to just stop taking all my tablets. I know after a few days off my antidepressant i get dizzy and quite struggle to deal with life so it may be one of the only ones i stay on.
Im going to see my social worker in 40 minutes and i hope i leave there feeling positive, if i dont ill be back home curled up on the couch hiding from the world and probably cut myself to pieces again. As much as the cuts are an inconvenience when they hurt and make my legs itch theres part of me that just reminds me they are there when im out and about with people. They cant see them but i know they are there. its like having a secret. It shows that even the sanest of people out there could be hiding bad pasts.
My art lecturer told me i must be one of the most level headed people he knows and didnt expect me to be "like that". i dunno wether to take it as a compliment or an insult.
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Yuk Disgusting Antibiotics
Im in a bit of a catch 22 situation just now. With the stitches on both thighs i really need a dressing on each to prevent my jeans from rubbing against the stitches. When my jeans rub it causes me so much discomfort so i have to put dressings on, but im allergic to all the dressings iv tried so im having to persevere with these dressings so that i can walk and not be in pain.
Iv been run all over today. I went to brighthouse to return my pc, i got it for college stuff before xmas but have barely used it, so i can return it and not need to pay anything else towards it. The town had a huge continental market on, its really big, i had a look last year aswell when they were here but it was just so busy you couldnt get near any of the stalls to see much.
When i got to my parents house my mum was doing the gardening, dad was spraying a car and my brother was cleaning his car. My nephew was trying to help his gran but he was making more of a mess than helping so i put his carseat in my car and took him to the swingpark then to mcdonalds. It was good to get out for an hour with him by myself. Thats the longest iv spent with him alone in the past 2 years.
When i left mums i went to another town to get a new pair of trainers. I didnt change much really. I went from black and pink nike to black and pink converse. Converse doesnt have as much support inside as the nike has so i hope they dont hurt my feet as i have a high arch in my foot.
I really wanted to go to the cinema tonight to see the new tim burton and johnny depp film but noone to go with. My friend is away to see it on a date with a guy that likes her and my other friend isnt too well just now. Im pretty exhausted from the day of running about iv had.
To make matters worse im having to take these disgusting antibiotics as i have a slight infection in my legs from the wounds and the antibiotics are really really disgusting. The coating on the capsule tastes rotton.
Im going to put my pj bottoms on and lie on the couch watching some telly. Cuddle up to my dog and have a relaxing night. Im dying my hair purple tomorrow so im hoping it works this time.
Iv been run all over today. I went to brighthouse to return my pc, i got it for college stuff before xmas but have barely used it, so i can return it and not need to pay anything else towards it. The town had a huge continental market on, its really big, i had a look last year aswell when they were here but it was just so busy you couldnt get near any of the stalls to see much.
When i got to my parents house my mum was doing the gardening, dad was spraying a car and my brother was cleaning his car. My nephew was trying to help his gran but he was making more of a mess than helping so i put his carseat in my car and took him to the swingpark then to mcdonalds. It was good to get out for an hour with him by myself. Thats the longest iv spent with him alone in the past 2 years.
When i left mums i went to another town to get a new pair of trainers. I didnt change much really. I went from black and pink nike to black and pink converse. Converse doesnt have as much support inside as the nike has so i hope they dont hurt my feet as i have a high arch in my foot.
I really wanted to go to the cinema tonight to see the new tim burton and johnny depp film but noone to go with. My friend is away to see it on a date with a guy that likes her and my other friend isnt too well just now. Im pretty exhausted from the day of running about iv had.
To make matters worse im having to take these disgusting antibiotics as i have a slight infection in my legs from the wounds and the antibiotics are really really disgusting. The coating on the capsule tastes rotton.
Im going to put my pj bottoms on and lie on the couch watching some telly. Cuddle up to my dog and have a relaxing night. Im dying my hair purple tomorrow so im hoping it works this time.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
I knew i couldnt lie
I told myself i wasnt going to tell my social worker that i had harmed on tuesday morning. I didnt even write it in my diary that she reads because i just was positive i wasnt going to tell her. She was off on holiday this week but told me she would call.
She called at 9pm. I knew it was her because shes the only person who calls with a blocked number and especially at that time of night. I took a deep breath and answered. her voice cheers me up.
She asked if i had anything to report - which in our language is "have you harmed?". i replied "only a little report". I told her i had a little slip up and cut both my legs and only got a couple of stitches in each leg. she replied "so 2 in each leg?", i said "well when i say a couple i mean 6 in one leg and 10 in the other".I thought she was gonna give me a speech like last time. She wondered if she was helping me and i feared i was going to be abandoned by her, but this time she was quite calm. I spent my time telling her about how i managed to fight off the dip in my mood and not self harm until the tuesday morning when the dip started last thursday.
We had a general chat about how i felt and coped over last weekend. She seemed quite pleased that i did actually try and not just act straight on the thoughts.
College today was totally boring. Long day. The best part was lunch time when i sat in my friends class and had a laugh with her and one of the other girls. I walked down the town with them in the rain so that my friend could get some lunch. We laughed the whole way, it makes such a difference to my mood to be able to just laugh and feel welcome and involved in a conversation and not flung to the side like what happens half the time with other people.
In the afternoon class we were arranging an exhibition of our work which is being held on the 31st of May. I invited my social worker along, just a little chance for her to see exactly what iv been doing this year and compare it to the work of the other people in the class. Im quite looking forward to it.
All in all things have been much better from my hellish weekend and the week seems to have ended on a good note.
She called at 9pm. I knew it was her because shes the only person who calls with a blocked number and especially at that time of night. I took a deep breath and answered. her voice cheers me up.
She asked if i had anything to report - which in our language is "have you harmed?". i replied "only a little report". I told her i had a little slip up and cut both my legs and only got a couple of stitches in each leg. she replied "so 2 in each leg?", i said "well when i say a couple i mean 6 in one leg and 10 in the other".I thought she was gonna give me a speech like last time. She wondered if she was helping me and i feared i was going to be abandoned by her, but this time she was quite calm. I spent my time telling her about how i managed to fight off the dip in my mood and not self harm until the tuesday morning when the dip started last thursday.
We had a general chat about how i felt and coped over last weekend. She seemed quite pleased that i did actually try and not just act straight on the thoughts.
College today was totally boring. Long day. The best part was lunch time when i sat in my friends class and had a laugh with her and one of the other girls. I walked down the town with them in the rain so that my friend could get some lunch. We laughed the whole way, it makes such a difference to my mood to be able to just laugh and feel welcome and involved in a conversation and not flung to the side like what happens half the time with other people.
In the afternoon class we were arranging an exhibition of our work which is being held on the 31st of May. I invited my social worker along, just a little chance for her to see exactly what iv been doing this year and compare it to the work of the other people in the class. Im quite looking forward to it.
All in all things have been much better from my hellish weekend and the week seems to have ended on a good note.
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